Wednesday, July 24, 2019

A Simpler Life

Today is one month since BeeGee went home. It's been a hard month; it's been a good month.

I'm well. I've digested and assimilated this big change in my life, and am moving forward.

Life is a lot simpler now. It's largely how it was previously, sans BeeGee. Altho I'm now walking every day, spending more time outside reading (and/or eating) on the patio, making more collages than I was earlier, and knitting about the same or more.

And I'm taking excellent care of myself, which I've only really learned how to do in the past year or two.

After many months of having no heart palpitations, they began again around end of March, when we got BeeGee's diagnosis of old-kitty medical issues. And now, a month after his passing, they're slowly starting to go away again. It takes a while for stress and anxiety to exit the body, where they're stored during trying times, after the source of the stress ends.

I'd recognized over the last few years my pattern(s) of dealing with just about anything in my life -- relationships, friendships, work situations, et al. And it was really brought home to me with BeeGee's passing...

Everything has been a huge source of stress/anxiety in my life. I never learned how to do anything with grace, aplomb, ease, etc., rather as a survival mechanism, I only learned how to "fight," and the necessity of always having to prove myself. So everything has been difficult, throughout my life.

I know where this comes from, I know why it's so, but I'm not going there. What I don't know, though, is whether I am capable of taking something on without unwittingly harming myself. It's not actually the committing that's the problem for me. It's how I inevitably think and behave when I'm under pressure of any sort, which has been always, because I don't know any other way.

Right now is the first time in my life that I have no commitments to anyone but myself. No one to take care of, except me. And I am committed to listening to my intuition, letting my body guide me, and to not feeling compelled to make any major changes, especially if I'm getting mixed signals from my gut.

We only have the present moment. How we deal with that determines how future present moments go. The rest is unknown.

I had BeeGee tattooed on my left foreleg last week. Now, in addition to always being in my heart, he'll be where I can look at him for the rest of my life. xx

3 comments:

Spinnerholm said...

Blessings and love to you. Good to read that you are moving forward. Love you💕
Connie A.

Carol- Beads and Birds said...

Somehow I missed your last post. Your tattoo is lovely. Our family is big on ink. The grandson we raised had his first tattoo done of Terry and I on his chest.. What wonderful way to honor us. That is how I feel about you having your kitty on your leg. I always shake my head when a person I know loses a pet friend and people are telling them to get another. Animals come to us when the time is right. Sometimes they come to us when we least expect it. Sometimes we seek THEM out. The Universe brings you together...

The other morning I had quiet time before Terry woke up. All computer correspondence was done, the dogs were outside and there I sat in the living room with no TV on. It occurred to me that is what it might be like without Terry or any pets. It was a revelation of how it would feel.
xx, Carol

HD said...

Love the tatoo; amazing likeness. Glad you're taking good care of yourself!