Saturday, July 7, 2018

The Heart is Willing...

...but I'm not a spring chicken anymore.  In other words, despite that I now feel free emotionally, I don't have the physical energy to take on all the things I might've taken on again were I forty or fifty or even sixty.

And that's just fine.  I've let so many things go in the past few years anyway, and there's no going back.

This is about expectations of myself as well.  Newly, I have none.  It's much better to live this way than it ever was, pushing myself, challenging myself, goading myself, even creatively.  Because I've learned that just about everything I do has the potential to create anxiety for me.  And I cannot handle anxiety.

What just came to mind is many of the times in my past where I had absolutely impossible expectations of myself without any idea that I had them, because I had no sense...no sense of what I really needed and wanted, no clue about personal boundaries...and because I was hellbent to prove that I could/would do what I said I would do.  A lot of failures followed, and of course, I blamed myself but for the wrong reasons.

Anyway, I'm just fine now, living my contented simple life while my emotions are in equilibrium.  The truth is, I have days when I don't feel so great, physically.  That's what being nearly 70 will do to you.  I still feel so young in my heart...but I spend a lot of time resting my body these days, often still thinking I should be able to do more.  Another expectation to let go of. 

There are no new mountains to climb now.  (I will move eventually, to a different place in Fortuna, but likely not for 2 or 3 years yet. That'll be a stressor, but I'll handle that when I get there.)  I don't need any mountains anymore.  I just need peace and quiet, lots of time to read, playing in my studio when I feel like it, staring out the window at the clouds or laying in the sun and doing the same.  And that's just what I've got.  So I feel very blessed indeed.

4 comments:

Carol- Beads and Birds said...

I am happy that you have come to this peaceful place in your life. When I read paragraph 4 and 5 I knew that I could have written them too. I spent so much time in my life pushing myself and not realizing why. I didn't come to grips with that until I retired. At the end of the day, I still list mentally what material thing I accomplished and never forget to be thankful that I remembered to relax with a cup of coffee and watch the bird feeders or sit by the pond.

I was thinking just today that my mind thinks I am 40 or way younger. I'm lucky for that and grateful too.

xx, Carol

The Idaho Beauty said...

Can relate to a lot of this. Was thinking just today how glad I will be when I finish my last "obligation" before I can "be" summer. All those shoulds and musts and ought tos I hope to give way to all those want tos kept at bay. Time to recapture the simple pleasure of sitting on the back deck in a cool breeze, reading for pleasure, getting out for a drive to nowhere, walking in the woods. Well, YOU know! There will undoubtedly be some creative pleasures in there too, but they will be pleasures, not deadline motivated. Enjoy getting comfortable with this new phase of your life.

Dortesjs said...

Beautiful love this

jenclair said...

Everything cycles. Enjoy the peace and tranquility!