Saturday, July 7, 2018
And that's just fine. I've let so many things go in the past few years anyway, and there's no going back.
This is about expectations of myself as well. Newly, I have none. It's much better to live this way than it ever was, pushing myself, challenging myself, goading myself, even creatively. Because I've learned that just about everything I do has the potential to create anxiety for me. And I cannot handle anxiety.
What just came to mind is many of the times in my past where I had absolutely impossible expectations of myself without any idea that I had them, because I had no sense...no sense of what I really needed and wanted, no clue about personal boundaries...and because I was hellbent to prove that I could/would do what I said I would do. A lot of failures followed, and of course, I blamed myself but for the wrong reasons.
Anyway, I'm just fine now, living my contented simple life while my emotions are in equilibrium. The truth is, I have days when I don't feel so great, physically. That's what being nearly 70 will do to you. I still feel so young in my heart...but I spend a lot of time resting my body these days, often still thinking I should be able to do more. Another expectation to let go of.
There are no new mountains to climb now. (I will move eventually, to a different place in Fortuna, but likely not for 2 or 3 years yet. That'll be a stressor, but I'll handle that when I get there.) I don't need any mountains anymore. I just need peace and quiet, lots of time to read, playing in my studio when I feel like it, staring out the window at the clouds or laying in the sun and doing the same. And that's just what I've got. So I feel very blessed indeed.
Monday, July 2, 2018
Yesterday, though, did not disappoint. I recently got a copy of Nick Bantock's Urgent 2nd Class, read it through, and then found, among other goodies, the two boxes of vintage mail below at the flea market.
I'm not really sure yet what I'll do with all this goodness, other than sort and organize at this point. But finding these does make me want to go through all the various vintage things I've got here and there and group everything together somehow. I've got pamphlets of various sorts, postcards (picture and otherwise), a few of those small vertical religious cards from funerals, etc. (which, despite being Jewish, I adore), some foreign currency, magazines, advertisements, various vintage office supplies, a calendar or two, old books of course. And most of it previously collected a piece at a time from used bookshops, garage, estate and rummage sales, library book sales, and the like.
I bought myself a chaise longue recently, and have spent time nearly every day out on it. I went to the beach yesterday when I was in Eureka, and will again tomorrow, to a different beach, when I go back for my monthly trip. I'll also make a stop at SCRAP Humboldt (creative re-use shop) in Arcata to find whatever goodies I can.
It's finally July, the real start of summer here on the North Coast. I'm planning to enjoy the heck out of it.
California is already burning, though, and it's not "fire season" for a few months. It's a year-round thing these days. There's thankfully nothing burning right in this area, but north, east and south, there are massive wildfires that continue growing before they're contained. And the federal government has cut back on wildfire prevention...
Hope you're having a glorious summer. If I don't post often here again, know this time that all is well and will continue to be. I'll write when I have something to share.