Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Long Dry Season

In looking back over the terrain of depression, I see that I was living a rather depleted existence.

I had this "superiority-inferiority" complex, where in my cuckoo mind I thought I was better than other people because I could get along with so little -- so little stuff, so little juice, and so little (self) love.

I was punishing myself for all those years, adding insult to the previously-perpetrated injuries.

I lived in such a way as to say to life, "I can do without whatever you have to offer...I'll show you!"  Instead of turning lemons into lemonade, I learned to live without lemons at all.

I lived the stripped-down barren life that was dictated to me by my past.  I still expected the past to somehow make things better for my present...like, if I could dredge it up enough, somehow things would turn out differently in the present (the very definition of insanity).

But those days are over, thankfully.  I've begun adding back little flourishes into my life, small things that make life more enjoyable.  I've opened my heart again to the world.  I'm treating myself much more kindly.  I'm counting blessings multiple times every day.  It's only going to get better from here on out.

Thanks for being here.  xx

13 comments:

Jacki Long said...

This makes me smile for you Connie.
You are so worth all the goodness that is happening.
So happy for the place you're in and your opening to more.

Els said...

Keep going, Connie !

Dortesjs said...

keep up, and yes happy you are well. keep putting flourishes into your life. count your blessings and be well

Jan said...

Wonderful! These little things can make a big difference. Depression can make for some crazy choices that don't even seem like choices, like my not going to the beach when it gives me so much pleasure and is only a short walk away. So I get it.

Brava!

The Idaho Beauty said...

I love the last paragraph, especially the phrasing "adding back little flourishes" and "treating myself much more kindly." I've been doing the same thing for a few years now, after most of my life being so damn frugal (or outright cheap) with money. (So my circumstance is different from yours - I blame it on being the daughter of parents who lived through the depression.) I finally came to a point where I realized I was denying myself some very simple pleasures only because I mistakenly thought I couldn't (or shouldn't) afford them. It really is the small things that make the biggest impact on the quality of our days and thus the state of our mind. As we learn to show more compassion to ourselves, it becomes easier, almost natural to start showing compassion to others and "open [our] heart again to the world."

A long journey for most of us to get to this place. Am happy you have arrived. :-)

Carol Cohn said...

So glad the veil is lifting and you're smiling at life again! :) And your collage seems happily springing forward.

Gerrie said...

Love you!! This great to hear.

QG said...

Savoring life is a great thing to do. I share, below, a pod cast from someone I listen to often in case you are interested: https://www.thesimplyluxuriouslife.com/podcast213/

john said...

I am so glad you have shared what is going on with you. You are putting all the puzzle pieces together and figuring it all out. You are one of the bravest people I know. Not only are you eloquent in your writing but I love to view each of. Your pieces of art as well. Thanks for being so open in so many ways. :-)

Carol- Beads and Birds said...

I loved reading this post. I could not help but reflect on my own inner self as I was learning about YOUR feelings. Now I always say it doesn't make much to make me happy. Not because I need to little to get by, but because I see the value and enjoy the little things so much.
xx, Carol

Blue Sky Dreaming said...

An avalanche of good wishes...add mine too! Glad you are finding places to be your true self!

ileneharris said...

Thinking about you...

melindatidwell said...

Hi Connie, I just discovered your work and it made me so happy, almost immediately. It is indeed the opposite of depression, which I too do battle with. It is a beautiful way forward, creating little worlds of all the gorgeous things that life on earth contains. Very uplifting and soul nourishing. And, I should note, with a keen eye for lovely design. ❤️❤️❤️