Sunday, September 20, 2015

Lifetimes

Acrylics, handmade paper on stretched canvas, 12x12 inches
Things change...everyday.

I've come to a point in my seclusion where I feel almost too-cut off from the world.  You all are an online community for me, of kindred souls and spirits, art- or life-wise.  And I've been missing you.

So I'm here, today.  Over the years, so many of you have been supportive of me, my art, my personal growth -- especially the few of you I've "gotten to know" virtually.  I want to let you know what I've been up to.

I read one spiritual book in particular a few months ago, that really got me thinking about my life -- by which I mean the experience of being in my life, on the inside, way more than anything else.  And I made some interesting discoveries, essentially that who I was being in the outside world and how I imagined myself to be were two different entities.  My persona didn't match who I thought I was.

This in turn lead to more startling discoveries; like that basically I have/had become my mother.  All those too-numerous-to-mention hated-by-me characteristics of hers were now mine.  I was being her, in my life.  The way I've related to people, how I've related to everything that happens in life, my attitudes about life in general are/were not who I want to be anymore.

I've been blessed/cursed with the gene for honest self reflection, which means that being aware of my failings only makes them more difficult to embrace.  But I can't just shut my eyes to the truth, go forward in life continuing to act out a script that isn't who I am inside, and say, "Screw everybody and everything."  That's not what I want for the last third of the journey.

I've immersed myself in the past month in contemporary Buddhist materials.  I am so grateful that there are so many teachers out there now, of all Buddhist stripes, who are articulating the Buddha's teachings for modern ears.  I just recently decided to commit myself to The Path.

Meanwhile, things have been happening in my life lately, situations where I've gotten to see "my stuff" in action.  It's been eye-opening...and painful.  Most of the pain is in the suffering I experience inside my own head, as a result of what's happened.  THIS is one of the forms of suffering the Buddha refers to -- the stuff inside our heads, the stuff we do to ourselves in our neurosis.

The only way out is through.  In other words, the only way for me to become the person I want to be is by fully embracing how I am just now.  And this is where I am just now.  In this open place, this place of groundlessness and insecurity.  Not sure what's next.  But it's a beautiful day outside.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by.  And that's made all the difference."

Thanks for reading, thanks for your interest.

And now, another giveaway!  This is a set of two 5-1/2 inch paintings on watercolor paper.  To enter the drawing, either leave me an email here, or include your email address in the body of your comment to this post.  I'll do a drawing on Wednesday September 30 and I'll email the winner directly.    

Acrylics on watercolor paper, 5-1/2 inches square



Peace

13 comments:

MegWeaves said...

Missed you. I've been wondering what you've been up to, and what you've been making, but hesitated to barge into your ... cocoon? Hermitage?? Becoming one's parent; UGH! megweavesgmailcom.

Pamela Gerard said...

Connie -- good to hear from you. Just remember the old hippie mantra -Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life! Truly. Take good care of yourself.

Sandra Rude said...

Having traveled recently in SE Asia, I found that there's a lot to admire in the Buddhist tradition; self-awareness, and self-acceptance, to name just two tenets. All best wishes on your continuing journey!

Jacki Long said...

Welcome back, we missed you.
Love your art and you at whatever page you are on.
Be kind to you. ♥

frazzledsugarplummum said...

Hey. Going to a 40 year school reunion and to spend some days with an old teacher to help her pack up her life....got a feeling a whammy is going to come my way re where I find myself. I am always grateful that you go before me into the abyss. You are much more aware than me and you describe the journey in a way that I can understand. Don't know if I have the guts to be as honest with myself. Thank you for sharing your journey. I dont wanna be my Mum !!!! Yikes. Love to you and Beeg.

Judy Sall Fiber Art said...

So glad I checked your blog... I have missed you, but know how important it is to be doing what you are doing now - learning, continuing to grow, peeling away the layers of the onion. You sound much more in tune with yourself than in times past to me. Thank you for sharing your journey with us! Hugs...

Anna H said...

Hi Connie, so nice to have you back. I thought about you a few times, wondering how you were doing, and missing your art and wonderful words. They always seem to speak to me in ways I was not able to express myself. I would be interested in learning the name of the book you mentioned in your post, as I am always searching for new "tools" to help on my journey. Take care.....Anna

Marybeth said...

Woke up on a Monday and there she was - Connie sounding so positive and working on a plan. I just heard recently that "over thinking/planning kills the magic"... for you I want you to find your magic!!Isolation is not always the best solution. Your friends love sharing the journey you are on and hearing that you are learning to be yourself in your own skin/mind. I truly believe that we are the sum of the world we participate in and we learn to leave the garbage in the trash can and keep the best near and dear to us, putting it to good use. Keep aiming for happiness, but don't over think it. Oh, love the giveaway!!

The Idaho Beauty said...

It is true that I was slightly sad at your announcement to disconnect for awhile but knew you must do what was right for you and not out of misplaced obligation to others. But the longer your silence, the more it became apparent that I did not like this! You might think out of sight out of mind, no one will really notice I'm not posting, but that just hasn't been true. Glad you are making progress and want to connect again. And generous of you to offer your paintings in a giveaway.

sunny davis said...

Your journey is so honest and the telling of it so helpful to those who are trying to live the (secluded) good life.
sunnydavis4@gmail.com

Charlton Stitcher said...

So good to hear from you again. I always finish a reading of your posts thinking afresh about myself and my life. This one is no exception ... Becoming my mother ... Oh gosh ... Maybe we all do that to some extent ... But we must live our own lives. I will remember that. Thank you and Go Well.

Peggy Lynn said...

Tickled to find a new post from you, Connie! I have a "Favorites" folder on my computer and you're in there...so I check on you regularly. Love your artwork and your words.

Maggi said...

Way behind on log reading Connie but I was pleased to see you back with us again. Enjoy your journey.