|Acrylics, handmade paper on stretched canvas, 12x12 inches|
I've come to a point in my seclusion where I feel almost too-cut off from the world. You all are an online community for me, of kindred souls and spirits, art- or life-wise. And I've been missing you.
So I'm here, today. Over the years, so many of you have been supportive of me, my art, my personal growth -- especially the few of you I've "gotten to know" virtually. I want to let you know what I've been up to.
I read one spiritual book in particular a few months ago, that really got me thinking about my life -- by which I mean the experience of being in my life, on the inside, way more than anything else. And I made some interesting discoveries, essentially that who I was being in the outside world and how I imagined myself to be were two different entities. My persona didn't match who I thought I was.
This in turn lead to more startling discoveries; like that basically I have/had become my mother. All those too-numerous-to-mention hated-by-me characteristics of hers were now mine. I was being her, in my life. The way I've related to people, how I've related to everything that happens in life, my attitudes about life in general are/were not who I want to be anymore.
I've been blessed/cursed with the gene for honest self reflection, which means that being aware of my failings only makes them more difficult to embrace. But I can't just shut my eyes to the truth, go forward in life continuing to act out a script that isn't who I am inside, and say, "Screw everybody and everything." That's not what I want for the last third of the journey.
I've immersed myself in the past month in contemporary Buddhist materials. I am so grateful that there are so many teachers out there now, of all Buddhist stripes, who are articulating the Buddha's teachings for modern ears. I just recently decided to commit myself to The Path.
Meanwhile, things have been happening in my life lately, situations where I've gotten to see "my stuff" in action. It's been eye-opening...and painful. Most of the pain is in the suffering I experience inside my own head, as a result of what's happened. THIS is one of the forms of suffering the Buddha refers to -- the stuff inside our heads, the stuff we do to ourselves in our neurosis.
The only way out is through. In other words, the only way for me to become the person I want to be is by fully embracing how I am just now. And this is where I am just now. In this open place, this place of groundlessness and insecurity. Not sure what's next. But it's a beautiful day outside.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by. And that's made all the difference."
Thanks for reading, thanks for your interest.
And now, another giveaway! This is a set of two 5-1/2 inch paintings on watercolor paper. To enter the drawing, either leave me an email here, or include your email address in the body of your comment to this post. I'll do a drawing on Wednesday September 30 and I'll email the winner directly.
|Acrylics on watercolor paper, 5-1/2 inches square|