Monday, August 11, 2014

Shift Happens

I'm writing now.  I'm writing to tell the story of my life, and I'm writing to get my life back.

I wrote most of the weekend.  I've committed myself to writing my life.  I've made it my primary occupation until it's complete.  It might be the most important thing I ever do. 

I am very grateful to those of you who suggested that I do this, and for your encouraging words.  Buddhists say, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."  The timing is perfect.

I've already begun to notice an influx of energy, a kind of excitement actually.  I'm sleeping even less well now.  I wake up a couple times during the night wanting to write more.  And the more I do write, the more I remember.  And the clearer it becomes to me how all the earlier pieces of my life fit together.

I love to write.  I've been keeping a writing journal in one form or another, most of the time, for going on 50 years.  In many regards, journaling all these years has also been the telling of my life story, but from another perspective.  Perhaps the difference is that a large part of my journals portrays me as a victim.  Whereas writing my memoirs puts me in the role of protagonist in my own life story.  Big difference.  I suspect this shift in perspective is where my new-found energy is coming from.

This whole enterprise is a big deal for me.  I have to repeatedly remind myself that my life has been different from most people's, certainly from anybody I know personally or have come into social contact with during my lifetime.  (Yet even as I'm writing this, right now, I'm mentally comparing my life to what we see of the lives of people who are far more disadvantaged than I was...and thinking, "What right do I have to complain?")

Here are a few major themes from my life story ~~
  • My mother was insane; she wasn't a mother for me at all.
  • I came of age with a laundry list of neuroses that had been dumped on me.
  • I made a lot of mistakes in raising myself.  Essentially, I had to undo everything I was brought up with before I could start to build afresh.  Consequently I was, and always have been, a late bloomer.
  • I basically never had any help, financial, moral or otherwise, from any person in my life who might have been considered a mentor or guide.
  • And yet...there's a happy ending.
I'll leave you with that.  Have a great week!  Thanks for reading, thanks for being there.  xoxo


Bonnie said...

Inspiring! Thanks for taking up the task. It is good that you like to write.

Roberta said...

Writing your life will be a catharsis of sorts.

Your first sentence hits home for me. My grandson is growing up with a mother who is not sane. But he is very lucky since he has me. I do worry about his future though.

I hope you will keep writing and I am happy to be a part of the process here on your blog.

Jan said...

Brava again! I like the perspective of being the protagonist.

Please ditch the judgment and comparing your life with those less fortunate...if we all did this we'd bottle up lots that needs to get out. It's YOUR story. It has validity--every moment of it has.

So glad you love to write--and what a wealth of material in your journals. You'll glean the bits of info and look at the victim stuff with a new perspective, as you said.

Alice said...

All I can say is bon voyage. What a great journey you are embarked on. You seem to get stronger every day.

amy of four corners design said...

it sounds like you are on the right track...I wish you well...

Maggi said...

So glad that you have embarked on this.

Judy Sall Fiber Art said...

I love that you are doing this, and share your love of writing... been scratching away since I was a small girl. One thing I have come to realize is that there is a great deal of satisfaction when reviewing our lives, when we see how much we have been able to overcome. I hope you see or will see this as you go on with this process... enjoy the journey!

Susan Christensen said...

I, too, love to write, Connie, and have been a life-long if sporadic journal keeper. I wish you good luck with your memoir. Very much like the idea of being the protagonist of my own story!
xxoo, sus

Corrine at said...

Courage, catharsis and healing, and blooming. Keep on writing. xox

Irene said...

The first thing we have to do when we finally grow up, is take responsibility for everything that every happened to us. That's when we are set free.

Paper Chipmunk (aka Ellen) said...

This sounds like a mental exorcising of demons -- a good plan. As you know, I have my own experience with growing up alongside the insane… I feel great empathy for you.

You write, "I had to undo everything I was brought up with before I could start to build afresh." I heard a researcher once talk about her own childhood at the hands of a mentally ill mother. The researcher studied why some people come out of such an upbringing more or less ok, while others completely fall apart and can't function. She said, essentially, that the strong who survive make a conscious decision to be their own person and not seek anything from the insane parent. She described herself, in her teens, practicing in front of a mirror how to not walk in a way the resembled her mother's. She went out of her way not to be anything like her mother, nor to seek her approval. Essentially, undoing everything and making a conscious decision to do everything differently is what saves someone in that kind of situation. And it takes a very strong person to do that.

You are a strong and remarkable person with an amazing creative energy. And I'm not saying that to be nice. It's true. I think it will be very interesting to see what comes out of your writing.

Karen Isaacson said...

what an amazing journey you are one.

Charlton Stitcher said...

Your courage in writing all this is so inspiring. As you say, we all have our life issues and we find a way of dealing with them (or at least we do so if we're lucky and have the personal resources and resolve to tackle them. I wish you good luck ... and meanwhile I'm fascinated as always by the range of what you post here on your blog. It's always a pleasure to visit.