Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Summer continues, with mostly beautiful weather here. I feel so grateful to live where I do, as weather extremes here are v. v. seldom, if at all. And nowhere near what so many folks in the US and globally are dealing with now.
I feel grateful for a lot of other things as well...actually, I feel grateful for everything. Life is good.
Below are a few recent fave collages. Enjoy. xx
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
I'm well. I've digested and assimilated this big change in my life, and am moving forward.
Life is a lot simpler now. It's largely how it was previously, sans BeeGee. Altho I'm now walking every day, spending more time outside reading (and/or eating) on the patio, making more collages than I was earlier, and knitting about the same or more.
And I'm taking excellent care of myself, which I've only really learned how to do in the past year or two.
After many months of having no heart palpitations, they began again around end of March, when we got BeeGee's diagnosis of old-kitty medical issues. And now, a month after his passing, they're slowly starting to go away again. It takes a while for stress and anxiety to exit the body, where they're stored during trying times, after the source of the stress ends.
I'd recognized over the last few years my pattern(s) of dealing with just about anything in my life -- relationships, friendships, work situations, et al. And it was really brought home to me with BeeGee's passing...
Everything has been a huge source of stress/anxiety in my life. I never learned how to do anything with grace, aplomb, ease, etc., rather as a survival mechanism, I only learned how to "fight," and the necessity of always having to prove myself. So everything has been difficult, throughout my life.
I know where this comes from, I know why it's so, but I'm not going there. What I don't know, though, is whether I am capable of taking something on without unwittingly harming myself. It's not actually the committing that's the problem for me. It's how I inevitably think and behave when I'm under pressure of any sort, which has been always, because I don't know any other way.
Right now is the first time in my life that I have no commitments to anyone but myself. No one to take care of, except me. And I am committed to listening to my intuition, letting my body guide me, and to not feeling compelled to make any major changes, especially if I'm getting mixed signals from my gut.
We only have the present moment. How we deal with that determines how future present moments go. The rest is unknown.
I had BeeGee tattooed on my left foreleg last week. Now, in addition to always being in my heart, he'll be where I can look at him for the rest of my life. xx
Friday, June 28, 2019
A few weeks ago I was certain that BeeGee would be my last cat. This week, in mourning his loss, as I looked ahead to the future, what I saw was a bleak landscape without anybody to love and care for.
BeeGee chimed in and said, "For 20 to 25 years??? Seriously??? No way. You need another cat. I'm all for it. I want another kitty to be privileged enough to be your cat, Mum."
So I will adopt another cat, most likely in the fall.
I recall writing that I didn't want the stress and anxiety of having another animal. But when I thought about it more deeply, I realized that not having another cat, being totally alone in the world without someone to care for, would be even more stressful than having one.
Having something to look forward to now, has definitely raised my spirits and lifted me out of the morass of grief. New life; that's what it's all about.
Monday, June 24, 2019
I had to put BeeGee down this morning. Just in the last 3 days he started actively dying. It was a really tough weekend. But the timing was right for him to go today.
As Pema Chodron says, "Things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. It's just like that."
That's exactly what this last three months has been like. And it's been phenomenally stressful for me.
Pema goes on to say, "The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
I love you my darling BeeGee. I'll see you again when I cross the Rainbow Bridge.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
As it is now, it looks like the widget will take you to a SnapWidget page for my IG images, rather than to IG itself. If you click one of the images on my widget, you'll go to that image at SnapWidget, with other images alongside.
Hope it works now. Blog owners really have no control over these things, unfortunately.
Monday, June 3, 2019
I kept about 10 percent of the acrylic paint, only in colors I adore, and some of the media. Plus I have all my watercolor paints, w/c media, pencils, etc, etc. I can still do "art" if/when I want to.
But I'm no longer holding onto that sense of guilt...guilt at having spent so much money on stuff I never or hardly used, and guilt at not using it. That right there is worth more than the few hundred dollars I made last weekend.
And now I find myself letting go of other stuff ~ stuff I no longer need, stuff I won't use again despite that little voice in my head telling me to keep it just in case, stuff I'm done with.
And it feels great, to let go of stuff, to lighten my load a bit. There's enormous freedom in letting go of holding onto stuff physically, as well as the psychic holding we all do.
I've also let go of the need to continue to market/sell more of the vintage postal goods I bought and sold last year. The reality is that I've already made 7 or 8 times what I paid for the lot. And I can comfortably say I don't need whatever income is left to earn from it. So I'll be offering the entire inventory of stuff I was going to sell on IG in a week or so, to other sellers there, most of whom also have Etsy shops. I just can't/don't want to deal with all the moving parts of online selling any longer. Too stressful for the return for this old gal.
I love giving stuff away. More, really, than I enjoy acquiring things. Because of that freedom. The more stuff we have, the more we're obligated to it...to use it, to maintain it, to pay to house it, etc. I like having a small footprint.
Enjoy June! xx
Sunday, May 26, 2019
It has taken me until just a year or so ago to learn to keep my own counsel, and I know that's about trusting oneself, and feeling the need for no approval from outside oneself.
What this means for me is that I really have no need to discuss or share anything with anyone these days. I can comfortably keep everything inside and work on it on my own. I don't need anyone's input, approval, sympathy, etc. I am my own person, finally.
I discovered that there's a lot of personal power inherent in abstaining from needlessly speaking about things. I feel strong in myself. I know I can handle anything that comes up.
This has likely rendered me not a very good friend to others anymore, insofar as sharing, kibbitzing, chewing the fat and the like go. So be it. I've had to learn over the years to be self-sufficient in all ways, which has made me have little patience for dithering or stuckness in others. This is who I am.
New topic ~ After a year of not painting with acrylics, I finally decided to get rid of 90 percent of my supplies. And am in the process of selling/giving away stuff right now.
There remains a place in my heart where I wish I could paint like so many artists do. But I just can't; painting isn't my medium.
What I came to last year, and what still applies, is that even the thought of painting causes me great anxiety. Whether that's because I'm afraid I'll never be good enough, or that I'm envious of others' work, or overwhelmed with possibilities, or anything else, really doesn't matter. The truth is that my body, via anxiety, has been steering me away from painting for over a year. And that's all I need to know anymore. I trust my feelings implicitly.
There's a very interesting story attached to the postcard in the last images...
This past week I was going through my collection of vintage postcards, as I'm planning to have a sale on Instagram in a couple weeks.
I photographed a few packs of cards to use as background for my sale announcements. I randomly chose the pack that this card was in to take an image of. I was lying in bed later looking at the images, when I saw the back of this card...sent "from your brother Sidney" to Gloria Schachter in New York in 1927.
This card was sent to my mother, from my Uncle Sidney, on her 5th birthday in 1927!!!
I have no idea where I got the card or how long I've had it. But how in the world did it show up in my collection 92 years later!?!?
I'm about half done with the back of the light-weight summer tee I'm knitting. Enjoying using the smaller gauge yarn. And my personal sock collection keeps growing...one pair right after the last. My new addiction.
Hope you have a lovely June! xx
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Glad to know my sweater-designing chops are still in good order. Also, this sweater was knit in the traditional way -- back, front, two sleeves, then sewn together. The Chalk sweater was knit in the round, top down. Which I don't like and probably won't do again. For one, when you knit in the round, there are literally hundreds of stitches in each row/round, so it takes seemingly forever to knit. At least for me, a not-especially fast knitter.
The yarn in Lichen is a Takhi superwash wool. I'm using superwash wool these days because I'm allergic to regular wool. And speaking of that, there's superwash wool that isn't itchy, and superwash wool that is. Chalk sweater is really too itchy for me, unfortunately, so I'll likely sell it in the near future.
I haven't worn Lichen yet, and now that it's spring it might be a while until I do. But the yarn doesn't feel as itchy so this one will most likely work out for me.
Next on my designing schedule, a lighter-weight boxy summer tee.
BeeGee is doing well. The thyroid meds are working, his hormones are back in the normal range after his blood recheck. I also just started him on a new-to-me CBD oil, for arthritis pain, and already it seems to be much more efficacious than the hemp leaf tincture he had been on since fall 2017. Better living through chemistry.
Our rain is over, for all intents and purposes, and we're having lovely spring days. Interior CA is having higher-than-normal daytime temps, but here on the coast it's still in the mid-60s, which is pretty perfect.
That's pretty much all the news from my corner of the world. And since this is the only spot where I have a modicum of control, I try my best to stay focused here, now, in this place. Although it's frequently hard to not get wrapped up in goings-on out in the world.
Hope you're having a beautiful spring! xx
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
I had him to the vet a couple weeks ago for his annual exam, and he has a couple health issues now. For one, he's hyperthyroid (and currently on medication for that, likely forever), and he's also got the beginning stages of kidney disease (for which he's now on a special new diet).
So it's likely/possible he'll be with me for a couple years yet.
I've never had the experience in this life of caring for an elder relative...so taking care of BeeGee until he's gone will be my experience of shepherding a loved one into the next life.
But I also have a deeper connection with BeeGee than I did with any of the others. He is my child. I'll do whatever he needs to have a naturally long, high-quality life.
And although I still live on a shoestring, I do have a bit of savings put away for once-in-a-lifetime things. And having BeeGee be happy and as healthy as possible for the rest of his natural life is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. I won't have this opportunity again.
Because as much as I love living with cats, I know that I won't be able to afford to do this for another cat later down the road.
Besides which, BeeGee would be a hard act to follow, given how close we are. So I decided to be satisfied with him/our relationship, satisfied that I will have had the experience of living with a soulmate in another sentient being, live with his memories after he's gone, and not feel the necessity of trying to replace him.
Which is a big step for this die-hard cat lover. But a step that'll be practical and smart and life-simplifying when the time comes.