Here's the deal: Few of you know that I've already done that depth work on my past ~~ the introspective writing and Progoff Intensive Journaling (separate from all that other journaling I did), a few years in non-substance abuse 12-step programs, several bouts of therapy, and countless personal growth workshops.
I can't go back there again. It's history.
Robin Williams' suicide has really gotten to me. First off, I still can't quite believe it. Here's this guy we all loved, and nobody really knew how much he was hurting inside. The thing is, we've all been damaged in some way, everybody is suffering. My early difficulties are no worse than anyone else's, and not nearly as bad as a lot of folks'.
I spent the better part of my adult life dealing with the hand I was dealt, and not dealing well at all in some respects. But here I am, and I suspect I'm a better person now because of my past than I might have been if I'd had it easier from the get-go.
I will, though, give you a synopsis of my life in a nutshell ~~
- My childhood and adolescence were difficult and painful. My mother was insane.
- I responded by trying to run away from the past, for nearly 20 years.
- Those years included two marriages and a third major relationship; physical moves from Santa Cruz to Maui to Boulder and back to Santa Cruz; numerous jobs with increasing levels of responsibility that I was always good at but which were never a good fit for me, alternating with times of creative enterprise in one form of another; other travels; and all that personal growth work mentioned above.
- I made a lot of mistakes because I had had no guidance. Those mistakes, though, were really nothing more than major errors of judgment. I was never clinically depressed, I was never in trouble with the law, I didn't become an alcoholic or drug abuser, I hurt no one but, ultimately, myself. I didn't know any better.
- It took me a further 20 years or so to build a new life for myself. I continued to do personal growth work during these years, made a few more physical moves,and had several more jobs of the same ilk while being as creative as I could be all at the same time.
- I survived. I lived to tell the story. I'm better off now for all the shit and hard times I went through.
C'est la vie.
About four years ago, all the pieces of my life fell into place. I'm settled, I'm happy, I don't work anymore, everything in my life is just the way I want it to be. I love myself, I'm happy with who I've become ~~ which is really who I was to begin with ~~ and there's nothing else I need or want.
I'm still grateful, though, to those of you who suggested I write further about my life. What you've really done is kicked me in the butt to let the past go and move on. Many thanks. xoxo